Randomness: Torchwood Style
by fantasylover42
Summary: Where I will post all of my one shot/random writing fics so i don't have to create a new story for every one. Characters listed Jack/Ianto, they're who i do most, but i may write others. Fics longer than 4 chapters will probably be moved as a new story.
1. Broken: Janto

**A/N: WARNINGS: Spoilers for CoE, and somewhat for End of Time (Doctor Who).**

**Somewhat song fic (no lyrics in it, however) inspired by Broken (by Lifehouse). I advise listening to the song as you read.**

I glance at the clock, only to realize that the hands haven't moved for hours, at least. Maybe days. If only time could stop. If only it had stopped before you were taken away from me.

I'm waiting for this to get better, easier, but I don't think it ever will. They say that time can heal all wounds, but it can't replace a hole in my heart.

I'm broken, damaged. You knew that. You didn't see me as the freakish immortal like so many others did. You didn't run away when you realized what I was. You saw me as human, something that even I couldn't see myself as anymore. You knew that the decisions I had to make that no one else could tore me up inside, even if I refused to tell you about them. I should have, I should have realized you'd understand. But so much has happened to me. You didn't need to know that.

I feel like I'm falling, deeper and deeper, every day that I"m not with you, realizing that you'll never be with me again. No one who saw me as the brave, fearless captain would see me that way anymore. I'm a mess, completely falling apart. I don't know the last time that my eyes or cheeks have been dry, and I've drunk about as much as I've cried. My heart's shattered, but it keeps beating. The curse of immortality. I can't even die of a broken heart. Not permanently, because I already have. More times than I could count.

I used to find ways of dieing that were as painless as possible, because death was a temporary escape from remembering you're gone. But I don't anymore. Now, the more pain, the better. The pain is my penance. Because it was all my fault, Ianto. It's entirely my fault that you're not with me, here today.

You seemed to always know what I was thinking. I told you more than I told anyone else. I don't know how you did it. I always kept myself locked up, but you broke down all of those barriers.

I see you everywhere I look. Even since I left Earth, I still see you. I'm still looking for a way to carry on, to keep living. But how do I? Ho do I live on after this? I finally found someone who was really special, who meant more to me than anything, who I only got to know for a few years, who I hate myself over because I was too much of a coward to say I love you back.

I wanted to convince myself that I didn't love you.

And that you couldn't love me.

I wanted to spare myself the pain.

It didn't work, Ianto

Falling,

falling,

falling into darkness.

Only to be dragged back into the light.

I keep hoping that people are right when they say lovers can be together in death. I keep hoping that, this time, what you always dreaded will happen. I keep hoping that, this time, I won't come back.

Because your name still means everything to me.

And I can't bring myself to let you go.

Day after day, all I can do is hang on.

But I know that even if I lose my grip, I'll need to find a way to hang on anyway.

Because I don't have the easy way out.

If an explosion can't kill me, what can?

You said you loved me. You said it so many times. Maybe not outright, but you meant it. The meaning was there, even if the words weren't.

I don't want to go back home. Even if I did, I don't know if I could. I think I've forgotten how.

I can't let you go, I can't let you go.

There's a gun here with me. My hand curls around it. It's so familiar, like an old friend. Its wight is comforting, the curve of the trigger inviting. Maybe this time I'll stay dead. Or maybe I'll wake up and this will have been a dream, that all of the reasons I've found that this can't be real will finally be true.

The gun feels solid against my head. Even if neither happens, this will give me momentary relief. I'm not afraid of death. Not anymore. Not when it's better than life.

I close my eyes, and I see you. My mouth moves as my finger slowly pulls the trigger.

"I love you, Ianto."

* * *

**A/N: Yesterday, when helping my mom outside, I had my iPod with me, on shuffle. I had Janto on my mind, and when I listened to this song, I realized it was a perfect song for Jack after CoE. So today, I couldn't wait anymore. So, armed with my beloved three ring binder, a sheet of lyrics, my iPod (on repeat) and numerous pencils, I went into my room and wrote until it was done.**

**I'm pleased with the result, even though it's insanely depressing.**

**I hope you like it.**

**Might possibly make a video for it in the future, we'll have to see.**


	2. RIP Ianto Jones: Remember him

Ianto walked away from the board room, quickly but silently, in the way he'd mastered long ago when he decided he didn't really feel like being noticed. He hurried down to the archives, and while thoughts whirled in his head, he wished that he had something to keep his mind as busy as his hands.

He was touched that the Captain had seemed so willing to let him into the team already, but he still felt like an outsider – everyone else was there for honorable purposes, and he was using them. He was using them to try to help Lisa.

He didn't know why they seemed to trust him so quickly. It wasn't that he didn't trust them – more that he hadn't been given any exclusive reason to trust them, and they'd gotten no more from him.

But even if he hadn't felt guilty for using them, he still would have felt awkward sitting down with them at lunchtime with nothing but a coffee mug in his hand. He just didn't feel hungry lately... why should he enjoy all of the creature comforts of life when Lisa was suffering so much?

Ianto tried to blink back the fatigue that was threatening to overwhelm him. Once he'd fallen asleep on watch over Lisa, it hadn't been long before the nightmares started and he awoke on the floor, having spasmed violently in response to his dreams and he had fallen onto the floor. He'd tried to sleep again, but every time that he closed his eyes, it brought the images closer to the front of his brain. He could hear the screams of fear and pain, the shouts of people trying to find order in chaos. He could feel the blood on his hands and he shifted through bodies, trying to find Lisa, praying that she was still alive. He could smell the singed scent that sparks and fires from the machinery were perfuming the air with.

Needless to say, he hadn't gotten much sleep.

But to have Jack find him asleep, slumped against a cabinet, that had been embarrassing. He couldn't believe he'd done that, and so early in the process too, before he'd even proved himself! But on the upside, he had plenty of time to redeem himself.

Ianto sighed when he thought of Lisa all alone in the run-down house. He knew that she got lonely there, but he also knew that he needed to be away so that they could make her better. So that they could save her.

Ianto jumped as a voice crackled in over his comm unit. "Oi, Teaboy, you there?"

Ianto rolled his eyes and picked up, knowing exactly who it was even after only a day of work. "What is it, Owen?"

"Jack wants you to have a physical, ASAP. So get up here. Autopsy room."

"On my way."

* * *

Ianto sat on the cold autopsy table, watching Owen as he collected all of the necessary materials. He rolled the cart over to the table and sifted through some more objects. Without lifting his eyes, he said, "Take your shirt off." Ianto began unbuttoning his shirt, and he froze self-consciously when Owen looked over. Owen rolled his eyes.

"Relax, I'm not like Jack." He ran his fingers professionally over Ianto, and then grabbed his stethoscope and breathed on it quickly to try to warm it up. He put it over Ianto's heart and listened before putting it on his chest and saying, "Breathe deeply."

The examination continued with all the usual procedures and some that were necessary simply because of what they were working with. Ianto answered all questions mechanically, and did everything that was asked of him without really thinking about it. Owen kept the quick-fire question and answer session going as he switched tools and proceeded with the physical.

"Hold out your arm," he said, wiping it with a disinfectant wipe when it was offered. He grabbed one needle, inserted it, and pulled up the syringe, drawing out his blood. He set the needle aside and repeated the process.

"Two?" Ianto asked curiously.

"One to keep for the blood samples, one to run tests on," Owen answered. Owen was much more professional when he was working with a patient. All of the snide remarks were there, but toned down. Owen frowned, staring at Ianto's chest again, running his hands over it once more, feeling the contours, especially by his ribs. "You look a little skinny, mate. What're your dietary habits like?" he asked as he picked up a flashlight. "Follow this with your eyes."

"I don't know, I eat when I'm hungry. I don't keep a log."

"Smartass," Owen muttered. "Keep your eyes on my nose." He swept the light past his eyes a few times again. "What about your sleep habits?"

"I get to bed every night, and I wake up in the morning."

"No trouble sleeping?"

"Sometimes, but doesn't everyone?"

"Hmm. Go stand on the scale." Owen followed him over and marked his weight down. "Now stand over here, going to measure your height." He made another note on the clipboard and frowned at the results. "Maybe you'd better make sure you eat hearty meals."

"That it?"

"A couple injections, and then you're good to go."

After the injections, Owen allowed him to redress. "We have checkups about every two months most of the time, unless Jack says otherwise. It's good to keep up to date in this job, never know what you could pick up from an alien."

"Although some of them probably have better hygiene than Owen." The Captain's voice came from behind Ianto.

"Oi, watch it," he said, scowling at Jack.

Ianto stood awkwardly for a moment before saying, "Right, then, I'd better get back to work."

As he was leaving, he heard Captain Harkness's voice from behind him again. "So what's the verdict, doc?"

"Well, you were right, he's underweight, and he looks a little fatigued too, but beyond that he seems healthy. Nice job for picking that up, though, nice to know you can be observant."

"I try." Ianto could hear the laugh in his voice.

Ianto was surprised that the Captain had taken concern for him. After all, who was he? Only the Teaboy. Ianto walked back to the archives wondering how he could live with the guilt of betrayal around people so trusting.

* * *

**A/N: I think I already know what the biggest challenge of at least the pre-Lisa part of this story is going to be: the whole taking Ianto for granted thing. At the moment, he's on Jack's mind far too long for him to take Ianto for granted. How do you write that? it's confusing. *sigh* I suppose i'll get it eventually.**

**Anyway. This chapter turned out... weird. Nothing happens, really. But Owen isn't being as much of an ass :P but we like him that way, so it's all good. Probably my favorite part of this chapter is when Owen says he isn't like Jack. Which basically makes this chapter lame, because that's not that great.**

**I apologize for taking so long, i've been laking in inspiration and drive lately.**

**Please feel free to share all ideas with me, I welcome them! Anything you want to happen at any point in the story you can say. But I will say: this is going to be a strictly canon fic. Anything that seems out of character to me for either of them will not be added in. anything non-canon may show up in an AU story, though!**


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